Chapter 12

So where I ended off last was when I started coughing up large amounts of blood. Now this next part of my stay is a little foggy, so no guarantees that I will remember everything, but I will try my best. I then called a nurse in, and they placed a IV catheter. My initial thought was the coughing up blood was caused by my ECT treatment that I had had that morning, but that didn't really make sense since I had had 10 prior treatments, and no complications with those. I shortly got transferred to the intensive care unit (ICU), and had many tests run, such as blood tests, a CT scan, and even had a scope stuck down my lungs to find blood in the alveoli of the lungs (Tiny air sacs at the end of the bronchioles-tiny branches of air tubes in the lungs-. The alveoli are where the lungs and the blood exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide during the process of breathing in and breathing out). My oxygen levels were quite low, to the point that I was just about intubated, but instead just put on oxygen. I stayed in the ICU for a couple days from what I remember, but then again, I don't really remember being in the ICU at all. I guess because my oxygen levels were so low, mixed with the medications I was on, I was pretty out of it. I apparently had a whole facetime conversation with my whole family and my nurse, which I don't remember at all. After spending a couple days in the ICU, I was then transferred to the medicine unit. I was in the medicine unit for one month. I spent majority of this month in bed, as first off I was on bed rest. I wasn't aloud to leave my little area (in a room with a few patients in separated by curtains) at all. I needed help doing almost anything that didn't include lying in my bed and eating. If I left my bed and tried to stand up by myself, my oxygen levels would get to low, and I would pass out. I learned this the hard way, and ended up passing out in a pile of my own urine, and speaking gibberish to the nurses. From then on, the had to bring a "commode" (a chair with a hole and a bucket in it) so I could go to the bathroom. I would need to have someone helping me get out of bed and to the commode right beside my bed, then I would tell them when I was done, and they would help me back in bed. For showering, I was wheeled into a shower room, and there was a half wall separating me from the nurse who would stay in the room while I showered making sure I didn't pass out and fall. Not the most ideal situation, so I didn't shower much for the first bit when I was in the medicine unit. I honestly don't know what I did with all my time. Watch netflix and tv, and sleep I guess. My vitals were also kind of wonky during this time. I would have a very high heart rate, but a low blood pressure. Not really sure what was causing it, maybe the medications. After being on bed rest for a week and a half- two weeks, I was aloud to go for short walks around the unit (I sometimes took a wheelchair to walk with to support me just in case). I would go the the long hallway with all the windows since I wasn't aloud to go outside. My mom would come for visits, and she would either wheel me, or walk with me downstairs to the café area (wasn't aloud to go by myself yet), so I could go to Starbucks and buy some snacks. After 2 months of being inside a hospital. the nurses finally let me go outside! My parents brought my dog, and they parked in the hospital parking lot so I could go see her, which I really appreciated, as I had been missing my baby so much.

Right along the time when I started walking again, I was finally diagnosed with Lupus. Lupus is a disease that occurs when your body's immune system attacks your own tissues and organs (autoimmune disease). Inflammation caused by lupus can affect many different body systems — including your joints, skin, kidneys, blood cells, brain, heart and lungs. For me, it affected my lungs, hence the coughing up blood and low oxygen levels. I was put on a few different medications, one being prednisone (It decreases your immune system's response to various diseases to reduce symptoms such as swelling and allergic-type reactions). This certain medication has a few side effects, but the one that affected me the most was increased hunger and weight gain. I was always hungry, and always wanting food. When I would go for walks to the café, I would stock up on lots of different snacks. Puffed wheat squares, chips, yogurt parfaits, popcorn, banana bread, brownies, and pop. The café didn't have the greatest selections haha. Because of this, I did gain a decent amount of weight unfortunately. I was put on a few other medications, but I am not remembering what they are right now, but the big treatment was my infusion. I was to get a IV infusion done twice (2 weeks apart) of a very expensive drug called Rituximab. (Rituximab is a type of drug, known as a biological therapy, that can reduce inflammation and damage to your joints. Normally, the immune system creates inflammation to protect the body from infections. But in some conditions a group of cells in the immune system, called B-cells, cause unnecessary inflammation which damages the body’s healthy tissue). This medication costed 10 thousand dollars for each treatment, so 20 thousand dollars in total, which is why it took 2 weeks for it to get approved. After the two weeks, it was finally time for my first infusion! I was set up in a different room, and got a IV catheter placed, and had a nurse sit with me the entire time and monitor my vitals, and the infusion began. I knew it was going to take a long time for the infusion to be completely done, but it ended up taking 8 hours. It took so long because I had a allergic reaction a couple hours into it. My throat began to feel very itchy, and a few other things went on, but I don't quite remember what they were. The infusion had to be stopped, and I was given medications for the reactions. Once the reaction had settled, I was aloud to continue with the infusion, and everything else went fine, but we just had to do it very slowly.

The day after the infusion, I was cleared medically, and transferred back to the Dube Center to continue with my ECT treatments, and they had been extended since I wasn't able to finish all of them before the whole coughing up blood incident happened. I easily went back into my same routine of being in the Dube Center as I had done before. My ECT treatments started up again, but during the first one, my blood pressure spiked to 200/120 (normal is 120/80). Unfortunately, my ECT treatment then got put on hold, and they ran more tests to find out what the cause could be behind the blood pressure issue. While I was waiting for my treatments to be rescheduled, I received my second IV infusion, but this time with added medication so I wouldn't have another allergic reaction. This one only took about 4-5 hours thankfully. My ECT treatments started up again, but this time with some added medication to control my blood pressure. I had about 4-5 treatments left, and I was determined to finish them all so I could get the hell out of that hospital finally, but that didn't go as planned. I started feeling very agitated and annoyed with everything. I was so bored all the time. I felt like the longer I stayed in the hospital, the worse I would get. I had 2 treatments left, but I couldn't take it any longer, I needed out of the hospital. At this point I felt my mood getting worse with each day. I talked to my doctor, and she aloud me to leave without finishing my remaining 2 ECT treatments (I would have had to stay another week to receive those). I was finally discharged! After spending 3.5 months in the hospital, I was finally able to go back home! I got discharged the next day, and felt a huge wave of relief being home. It also felt very weird to be by myself, as I had been surrounded by people for the past long while, so it was a good thing that I had my dog living with me now. (HUGE shoutout to my parents for taking my dog in while I couldn't take care of her, much appreciated!)

My next blog post will be about my recovery after getting home from the hospital. A lot has happened, including going back to work for a month and a half, then having more medical issues and having to take work off again, but I will explain everything later in my next post (not sure when that will come out, I suck at writing these). Thankyou so much for taking the time to read this post, I really appreciate it! Bye for now!

Chapter 11

Oh boy, this is going to be a big one. I may have to split it into a few different posts. It has taken me a really long time to write this post, as I struggle with dealing with re-living everything over again. I was admitted to the hospital on December 10th 2020, and discharged at the very end of March 2021, meaning I was in the hospital for three and a half months. Longest three and a half months of my life I swear. I honestly don't remember everything that went on due to treatment and just the fact that I was there for a long time, but I will do my best to explain everything. Here goes.

So the night of December 10th 2020 was one of the hardest nights I have had in a while. I was very very suicidal, and hated everything going on. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was crying in bed for hours. I wanted everything to end. I needed everything to end. I grabbed a bottle of Tylenol, and took whatever was left in the bottle, and put it in my mouth. Okay this is way harder to write then I thought. I did have a big blessing with me that night, my dog Socha. After I put all the pills in my mouth, she started staring at me with her big adorable eyes, I couldn't do it in front of her like that, I just couldn't with her staring at me like that. I spit the pills out and called the 24 hour crisis hotline. who knows, she may have just saved my life. I was on the phone with her for a while, but basically she told me to go to the hospital right away. She called me a cab, and off I went.

I honestly don't remember much of the rest of the night, other then i was put in a "safety room" (a room with a bed cemented to the floor and that's it). I saw some doctors, had a babysitter for a while, and called my dad to see if he could pick up Socha. I got admitted to the short stay psychiatric unit because there wasn't any beds in the Dube center (psych ward). They were renovating the original short stay unit, so this place was a lot smaller, and had no actual rooms. Just beds separated by curtains. I was here for a week I think. During this time, visitors were not aloud unfortunately. In the week that I was there, I saw a psychiatrist that recommended I start Electroconvulsive Therapy (which I will refer to as ECT). For those of you who have never heard of this treatment, I will copy and paste some information about it below.

"Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a medical treatment most commonly used in patients with severe major depression or bipolar disorder that has not responded to other treatments.

ECT involves a brief electrical stimulation of the brain while the patient is under anesthesia. ECT is typically used when other treatments, including medications and psychotherapy, haven’t worked. ECT is also used for people who require a rapid treatment response because of the severity of their condition, such as being at risk for suicide. A patient typically receives ECT two or three times a week for a total of six to 12 treatments, depending on the severity of symptoms and how quickly the symptoms respond to the treatment.

At the time of each treatment a patient is given general anesthesia and a muscle relaxant and electrodes are attached to the scalp at precise locations. The patient's brain is stimulated with a brief controlled series of electrical pulses. This causes a seizure within the brain that lasts for approximately a minute. The patient is asleep for the procedure and awakens after 5-10 minutes, much as from minor surgery. Although ECT is generally safe, risks and side effects may include:

• Confusion. Immediately after treatment, you may experience confusion, which can last from a few minutes to several hours. You may not know where you are or why you're there. Rarely, confusion may last several days or longer. Confusion is generally more noticeable in older adults.

• Memory loss. Some people have trouble remembering events that occurred right before treatment or in the weeks or months before treatment or, rarely, from previous years. This condition is called retrograde amnesia. You may also have trouble recalling events that occurred during the weeks of your treatment. For most people, these memory problems usually improve within a couple of months after treatment ends.

• Physical side effects. On the days of an ECT treatment, some people experience nausea, headache, jaw pain or muscle ache. These generally can be treated with medications.

• Medical complications. As with any type of medical procedure, especially one that involves anesthesia, there are risks of medical complications. During ECT, heart rate and blood pressure increase, and in rare cases, that can lead to serious heart problems. If you have heart problems, ECT may be more risky."

So basically they attach these probes to your forehead, and send electrical impulses to your brain, and this causes you to have a seizure. Not a big full body seizure though, more like your fingers and toes twitching or something like that. They give you the good drugs, so you are asleep the whole time and you don't feel a thing. ECT has a pretty bad rep around it. Have you seen all the old movies where people get electrocuted while they are awake? People still think it is somewhat like that, when it is most definitely not. It is a quite safe procedure now, and best of all, it is very effective. It is said that it is effective in something like 80% of patients, which is awesome. The first time i received ECT, I had a killer migraine after, and was vomiting a lot. So from then on, I was given medication to hep with my head and nausea. Since treatment, I have had lots of memory issues. For example, I worked with a girl for a month before I was admitted, but I still don't remember her at all (she quit while I was in the hospital). Many events have been brought up by my family, and I don't remember a thing about them. I still have memory issues to this day.

ANYWAYS. Back to the story.

They wanted to make sure I was transferred to the Dube Center first before I started this treatment, so after a week in the short stay unit, a bed finally opened up. I was scheduled for 12 ECT treatments, and in the Dube Center for 6 weeks. During this time a lot of my medications were changed and stopped. I am now on a much different medication regimen, and not on as many medications as I was before. The main medication I was taken off was Lithium. This medication had lots of side effects and risks, so I don't mind not being on it anymore. At this time, we were in the middle of covid of course. There were so many rules and regulations because of covid. Groups such as art, relaxation therapy, gym periods (anything where we had to leave the actual ward) had been cancelled, so the amount of activities and things to do had decreased a lot. I loved these groups during previous admissions. It kept me somewhat busy, and prevented me from staying in my room the whole time. We now had "room times" a couple times a day where we were forced to be in our rooms for a hour and half instead of in the main area/tv area to reduce interaction with each other. Masks and hand sanitizer whenever we left our rooms of course too. We were now only aloud to have one visitor (had to be the same person throughout the whole stay), during a certain time of the day, so I was finally aloud to have my mom able to come visit and bring anything that I needed. Unfortunately, I was not able to have any passes where I was able to leave the hospital for a day or two due to covid, so shitty deal, I was in the hospital for Christmas and New Years, and not able to spend time with the people I wanted to. On Christmas day, my mom came and visited me, but that was the extent of my holidays. The staff did get us pizza on New Years Eve, so that was super nice of them.

Overall, I don't remember everything from this stay. I mostly spent it in my room watching Netflix, going for walks, and spending time in the tv area trying to socialize with other people. Being in the psych ward during covid really sucked. We were very limited with what we could do, and who we could see. My ECT treatments were going well, and I think they were starting to make a difference. My mood had slightly improved, and I wasn't as suicidal. YAY. So time went on in the hospital, and I got my treatments, and I saw a bit of improvement. Everything was going fine. Until they weren't. A couple hours after my 11th ECT treatment, I started coughing up large amounts of blood.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Chapter 10

Holy shit has it really been 2 years since I posted something here? It doesn't feel that long. I guess that's a good thing though. For the people who have never visited my site, WELCOME. To summarize, I have been hospitalized 3 separate time at the Dube Center for Mental Health, (so the psych ward), and have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, and Bipolar type 2. I have had many ups and downs. For the last while, I had been quite stable, up until the fall of 2019. Nothing significant was happening, so I am not sure if anything triggered this, or if its just because I'm bipolar. Anyway, my mood had slowly been going down since the start of fall, and I felt like I couldn't control my emotions. I started to having suicidal thoughts, and those got stronger as time went on, but I tried to ignore them the best that I could. In the middle of November I was actually going to take a trip to Cuba, yay! I thought that getting away and having a break from life would fix things, but I was wrong. Two or three nights after getting home from Cuba, I had a huge breakdown.

The suicidal thoughts were very strong that night. I needed a way to calm myself down, as I'm not sure what else could of stopped me. Unfortunately, my way to calm down was to start self harming, To take the pain somewhere else other then in my head and chest. I got out my blade and started cutting. I cut pretty deep, enough to need stitches (by the time I got to the hospital it was to late to put stitches in, so they glued the wound shut, and bandaged it). I still remember that night, not knowing what to do with life. Next, I did a positive thing that I don't usually do. I reached out to my sister and told her everything about how I had been feeling recently. She was able to calm me down by talking to me, and suggested I go to the hospital the next day. I did have to work the next day, so I decided I would go to the hospital after work. So the next day goes by, and I was very nervous about going to the hospital by myself. I debated for a while if I should even go, but I knew that it would be the safest option for me. I took a taxi to the emergency room, and got myself admitted there. In order to be admitted to the Dube Center, I needed to see a psychiatrist, and a emergency room doctor. While I waited, I was put in a what I like to call "Safety Room". A room with only a bed cemented into the floor. This is where they looked at my self harm wound, and glued/bandaged it up. After seeing both doctors, they decided they wanted to admit me to the Dube Center, but they didn't have any beds at that moment, so I was put in a room with like 8 other people somewhere else in the hospital. (There was curtains between everybody's bed). They gave me a "babysitter" that sat right beside my room, so she could have direct visual contact with me to make sure I don't harm myself. Guess they didn't trust me by myself yet, which was probably a good idea, because I was still trying to self harm using whatever I could get my hands on (like a pop can tab that had a sharp-esh edge). Like I said, literally anything I could get my hands on. I was in this area of the hospital for 2 days, and from what I remember I mostly slept the whole time. Even though I wasn't in the psych ward, there was still a psych nurse there that I could talk to, which I was quite grateful for. After these 2 days, there still wasn't any room in the Dube Center, so they decided to just put me in their "short stay" unit (for people staying less then a week, that clearly wasn't the case for me). I got put in a room that only had again, a bed cemented into the floor, a plastic chair, and a rolling food tray. As I looked around, I realized that the other rooms (except for one) had actual beds, and bandstand's, and actual comfy chairs, and such in. Rip off... I still had my babysitter with me, but this time they had to sit outside of my room, and I had to have my door open, so they could still see me through a little window. After 2 days of being in this short stay unit, I didn't have to have my babysitter anymore. So days went on, and I had my normal therapy sessions with the nurses, and meetings with the doctors, and medication changes, etc.. I wasn't able to go to many groups for a while, as you have to earn them, but I think after a week i was able to attend art, gym, bingo (i fucking love bingo okay), baking, and we made gingerbread houses since I was in there around Christmas time. These groups are definitely a nice distraction and help pass the time.

After seeing my doctor a few times, he had me fill out this form with about 10 questions or so. After he read through it, he told me that he thinks he has another diagnosis for me. This diagnosis is called Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder is hard to explain to people, but basically if you have a certain amount of these traits, then you may have this disorder. Since its hard to explain, I am going to copy and paste a couple things that can explain it a lot better then I can.

"A serious and complex personality disorder seen primarily in adults between 18 and 35 years old, borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability, impulsivity, fears of being alone or abandoned and poor self-image.

For people with borderline personality disorder, everyday events can trigger significant changes in mood and emotional reactions."

SYMPTOMS

1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

3. Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

5. Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

So hopefully all of that makes sense, or gives you some insight into my world.

In total I was at this short stay unit for one month (all of December ). I was able to go home for a couple days for Christmas, which was super nice. I saw many doctors, had some medication changes, and many many rough days, as I was suicidal most of my stay. I have been doing okay since, but because of covid I haven't seen either my psychiatrist or therapist since Feb/March, which is definitely taking a toll on me. But overall I am doing better then I was then!

Thanks for taking time to read through it, I really appreciate it! Feel free to share on social media if you like, as I believe that hearing others stories can be quite helpful at times. Makes you feel like you are not alone out there, and there are other people to support you!

Thanks friends, hopefully I wont see you soon.