Chapter 10

Holy shit has it really been 2 years since I posted something here? It doesn't feel that long. I guess that's a good thing though. For the people who have never visited my site, WELCOME. To summarize, I have been hospitalized 3 separate time at the Dube Center for Mental Health, (so the psych ward), and have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, and Bipolar type 2. I have had many ups and downs. For the last while, I had been quite stable, up until the fall of 2019. Nothing significant was happening, so I am not sure if anything triggered this, or if its just because I'm bipolar. Anyway, my mood had slowly been going down since the start of fall, and I felt like I couldn't control my emotions. I started to having suicidal thoughts, and those got stronger as time went on, but I tried to ignore them the best that I could. In the middle of November I was actually going to take a trip to Cuba, yay! I thought that getting away and having a break from life would fix things, but I was wrong. Two or three nights after getting home from Cuba, I had a huge breakdown.

The suicidal thoughts were very strong that night. I needed a way to calm myself down, as I'm not sure what else could of stopped me. Unfortunately, my way to calm down was to start self harming, To take the pain somewhere else other then in my head and chest. I got out my blade and started cutting. I cut pretty deep, enough to need stitches (by the time I got to the hospital it was to late to put stitches in, so they glued the wound shut, and bandaged it). I still remember that night, not knowing what to do with life. Next, I did a positive thing that I don't usually do. I reached out to my sister and told her everything about how I had been feeling recently. She was able to calm me down by talking to me, and suggested I go to the hospital the next day. I did have to work the next day, so I decided I would go to the hospital after work. So the next day goes by, and I was very nervous about going to the hospital by myself. I debated for a while if I should even go, but I knew that it would be the safest option for me. I took a taxi to the emergency room, and got myself admitted there. In order to be admitted to the Dube Center, I needed to see a psychiatrist, and a emergency room doctor. While I waited, I was put in a what I like to call "Safety Room". A room with only a bed cemented into the floor. This is where they looked at my self harm wound, and glued/bandaged it up. After seeing both doctors, they decided they wanted to admit me to the Dube Center, but they didn't have any beds at that moment, so I was put in a room with like 8 other people somewhere else in the hospital. (There was curtains between everybody's bed). They gave me a "babysitter" that sat right beside my room, so she could have direct visual contact with me to make sure I don't harm myself. Guess they didn't trust me by myself yet, which was probably a good idea, because I was still trying to self harm using whatever I could get my hands on (like a pop can tab that had a sharp-esh edge). Like I said, literally anything I could get my hands on. I was in this area of the hospital for 2 days, and from what I remember I mostly slept the whole time. Even though I wasn't in the psych ward, there was still a psych nurse there that I could talk to, which I was quite grateful for. After these 2 days, there still wasn't any room in the Dube Center, so they decided to just put me in their "short stay" unit (for people staying less then a week, that clearly wasn't the case for me). I got put in a room that only had again, a bed cemented into the floor, a plastic chair, and a rolling food tray. As I looked around, I realized that the other rooms (except for one) had actual beds, and bandstand's, and actual comfy chairs, and such in. Rip off... I still had my babysitter with me, but this time they had to sit outside of my room, and I had to have my door open, so they could still see me through a little window. After 2 days of being in this short stay unit, I didn't have to have my babysitter anymore. So days went on, and I had my normal therapy sessions with the nurses, and meetings with the doctors, and medication changes, etc.. I wasn't able to go to many groups for a while, as you have to earn them, but I think after a week i was able to attend art, gym, bingo (i fucking love bingo okay), baking, and we made gingerbread houses since I was in there around Christmas time. These groups are definitely a nice distraction and help pass the time.

After seeing my doctor a few times, he had me fill out this form with about 10 questions or so. After he read through it, he told me that he thinks he has another diagnosis for me. This diagnosis is called Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder is hard to explain to people, but basically if you have a certain amount of these traits, then you may have this disorder. Since its hard to explain, I am going to copy and paste a couple things that can explain it a lot better then I can.

"A serious and complex personality disorder seen primarily in adults between 18 and 35 years old, borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability, impulsivity, fears of being alone or abandoned and poor self-image.

For people with borderline personality disorder, everyday events can trigger significant changes in mood and emotional reactions."

SYMPTOMS

1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

3. Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

5. Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

So hopefully all of that makes sense, or gives you some insight into my world.

In total I was at this short stay unit for one month (all of December ). I was able to go home for a couple days for Christmas, which was super nice. I saw many doctors, had some medication changes, and many many rough days, as I was suicidal most of my stay. I have been doing okay since, but because of covid I haven't seen either my psychiatrist or therapist since Feb/March, which is definitely taking a toll on me. But overall I am doing better then I was then!

Thanks for taking time to read through it, I really appreciate it! Feel free to share on social media if you like, as I believe that hearing others stories can be quite helpful at times. Makes you feel like you are not alone out there, and there are other people to support you!

Thanks friends, hopefully I wont see you soon.