Chapter 11

Oh boy, this is going to be a big one. I may have to split it into a few different posts. It has taken me a really long time to write this post, as I struggle with dealing with re-living everything over again. I was admitted to the hospital on December 10th 2020, and discharged at the very end of March 2021, meaning I was in the hospital for three and a half months. Longest three and a half months of my life I swear. I honestly don't remember everything that went on due to treatment and just the fact that I was there for a long time, but I will do my best to explain everything. Here goes.

So the night of December 10th 2020 was one of the hardest nights I have had in a while. I was very very suicidal, and hated everything going on. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was crying in bed for hours. I wanted everything to end. I needed everything to end. I grabbed a bottle of Tylenol, and took whatever was left in the bottle, and put it in my mouth. Okay this is way harder to write then I thought. I did have a big blessing with me that night, my dog Socha. After I put all the pills in my mouth, she started staring at me with her big adorable eyes, I couldn't do it in front of her like that, I just couldn't with her staring at me like that. I spit the pills out and called the 24 hour crisis hotline. who knows, she may have just saved my life. I was on the phone with her for a while, but basically she told me to go to the hospital right away. She called me a cab, and off I went.

I honestly don't remember much of the rest of the night, other then i was put in a "safety room" (a room with a bed cemented to the floor and that's it). I saw some doctors, had a babysitter for a while, and called my dad to see if he could pick up Socha. I got admitted to the short stay psychiatric unit because there wasn't any beds in the Dube center (psych ward). They were renovating the original short stay unit, so this place was a lot smaller, and had no actual rooms. Just beds separated by curtains. I was here for a week I think. During this time, visitors were not aloud unfortunately. In the week that I was there, I saw a psychiatrist that recommended I start Electroconvulsive Therapy (which I will refer to as ECT). For those of you who have never heard of this treatment, I will copy and paste some information about it below.

"Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a medical treatment most commonly used in patients with severe major depression or bipolar disorder that has not responded to other treatments.

ECT involves a brief electrical stimulation of the brain while the patient is under anesthesia. ECT is typically used when other treatments, including medications and psychotherapy, haven’t worked. ECT is also used for people who require a rapid treatment response because of the severity of their condition, such as being at risk for suicide. A patient typically receives ECT two or three times a week for a total of six to 12 treatments, depending on the severity of symptoms and how quickly the symptoms respond to the treatment.

At the time of each treatment a patient is given general anesthesia and a muscle relaxant and electrodes are attached to the scalp at precise locations. The patient's brain is stimulated with a brief controlled series of electrical pulses. This causes a seizure within the brain that lasts for approximately a minute. The patient is asleep for the procedure and awakens after 5-10 minutes, much as from minor surgery. Although ECT is generally safe, risks and side effects may include:

• Confusion. Immediately after treatment, you may experience confusion, which can last from a few minutes to several hours. You may not know where you are or why you're there. Rarely, confusion may last several days or longer. Confusion is generally more noticeable in older adults.

• Memory loss. Some people have trouble remembering events that occurred right before treatment or in the weeks or months before treatment or, rarely, from previous years. This condition is called retrograde amnesia. You may also have trouble recalling events that occurred during the weeks of your treatment. For most people, these memory problems usually improve within a couple of months after treatment ends.

• Physical side effects. On the days of an ECT treatment, some people experience nausea, headache, jaw pain or muscle ache. These generally can be treated with medications.

• Medical complications. As with any type of medical procedure, especially one that involves anesthesia, there are risks of medical complications. During ECT, heart rate and blood pressure increase, and in rare cases, that can lead to serious heart problems. If you have heart problems, ECT may be more risky."

So basically they attach these probes to your forehead, and send electrical impulses to your brain, and this causes you to have a seizure. Not a big full body seizure though, more like your fingers and toes twitching or something like that. They give you the good drugs, so you are asleep the whole time and you don't feel a thing. ECT has a pretty bad rep around it. Have you seen all the old movies where people get electrocuted while they are awake? People still think it is somewhat like that, when it is most definitely not. It is a quite safe procedure now, and best of all, it is very effective. It is said that it is effective in something like 80% of patients, which is awesome. The first time i received ECT, I had a killer migraine after, and was vomiting a lot. So from then on, I was given medication to hep with my head and nausea. Since treatment, I have had lots of memory issues. For example, I worked with a girl for a month before I was admitted, but I still don't remember her at all (she quit while I was in the hospital). Many events have been brought up by my family, and I don't remember a thing about them. I still have memory issues to this day.

ANYWAYS. Back to the story.

They wanted to make sure I was transferred to the Dube Center first before I started this treatment, so after a week in the short stay unit, a bed finally opened up. I was scheduled for 12 ECT treatments, and in the Dube Center for 6 weeks. During this time a lot of my medications were changed and stopped. I am now on a much different medication regimen, and not on as many medications as I was before. The main medication I was taken off was Lithium. This medication had lots of side effects and risks, so I don't mind not being on it anymore. At this time, we were in the middle of covid of course. There were so many rules and regulations because of covid. Groups such as art, relaxation therapy, gym periods (anything where we had to leave the actual ward) had been cancelled, so the amount of activities and things to do had decreased a lot. I loved these groups during previous admissions. It kept me somewhat busy, and prevented me from staying in my room the whole time. We now had "room times" a couple times a day where we were forced to be in our rooms for a hour and half instead of in the main area/tv area to reduce interaction with each other. Masks and hand sanitizer whenever we left our rooms of course too. We were now only aloud to have one visitor (had to be the same person throughout the whole stay), during a certain time of the day, so I was finally aloud to have my mom able to come visit and bring anything that I needed. Unfortunately, I was not able to have any passes where I was able to leave the hospital for a day or two due to covid, so shitty deal, I was in the hospital for Christmas and New Years, and not able to spend time with the people I wanted to. On Christmas day, my mom came and visited me, but that was the extent of my holidays. The staff did get us pizza on New Years Eve, so that was super nice of them.

Overall, I don't remember everything from this stay. I mostly spent it in my room watching Netflix, going for walks, and spending time in the tv area trying to socialize with other people. Being in the psych ward during covid really sucked. We were very limited with what we could do, and who we could see. My ECT treatments were going well, and I think they were starting to make a difference. My mood had slightly improved, and I wasn't as suicidal. YAY. So time went on in the hospital, and I got my treatments, and I saw a bit of improvement. Everything was going fine. Until they weren't. A couple hours after my 11th ECT treatment, I started coughing up large amounts of blood.

TO BE CONTINUED.